Everything felt fine today before I got back online and checked my phone. Everything feels beautiful when I’m in my sanctuary, meditating, writing my book, playing, writing gratitude lists.
Everything was fine. Better even than this intense week that already included so many big moments of healing and crying for hours and asking for support and falling apart and finally feeling built back anew again..
Until I open my phone and see and feel all the energy mounting especially in one particular soul-family container (Odyssey) and in another 1:1 text with my Odyssey co-founder..calling me forth to engage with what’s here and now..not necessarily comfortable feelings or invitations whatsoever..not really what I wanted to be excavating..but somehow its here and now, reflecting back to me in my community, in my family, with my fellow humanity.
Oh and then my mom called me and I felt very impatient with her as she was telling me about the protests happening in SF right now..I noticed hearing about that made me feel uncomfortable, frustrated, annoyed even…I hurried off the phone with her, wanting to instead return to what I was doing before – the more comfortable, familiar, easeful bubble of peace I can easily operate in when I am in my own energy.
But that’s not what I truly want nor what I am here for.
Quite honestly..I am in a moment of contemplation sprinkled with only more questions and sometimes confusion regarding everything going on..and all I can do is be completely honest about what I am experiencing/processing.
I used to let collective injustice and trauma impact me so much that I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat would be taken out for days when I was a little child feeling the pain of the collective..eventually lead me to drinking and drugs to numb the pain I felt (one of many reasons at least)..I felt an overwhelming sense of responsibility to fix seemingly unfixable problems..how could I ever even make a beginning?
Feeling in my bones the pain of coming from a humanity that has enslaved other humans and all the meanwhile had amnesia of our shared true nature..how could this even be possible?
how could this have even ended just a century ago in our history..and the truth is it is still happening. The USA enslaves hundreds of thousands of people on a daily basis in human trafficking initiatives, forced labor, and of course the corporatized prison industrial system. Land of the free…has never been that at all..we are a country built on the forced labor of people who were stolen from their homeland and treated like animals.
I feel the trauma of this atrocity deep in my bones because I am from this land, I am from this humanity, I am from this country. It hurts my heart to know this is possible and yet : how am I still responsible for allowing it to occur?
As a creator being I take full responsibility for my reality being a reflection of my inner being..and that goes for the collective experience as well..which I am also co-creating.
To what extent am I enslaving myself still doing things I do not actually want to do but feel imprisoned by belief systems and fear and oppression..thinking I have no choice.
To what extent am I hateful, oppressive, abusive to parts of myself that have always felt neglected, abandoned, abused, ignored, separate? It hurts to see whats unfolding.
It hurts to see how the media strategically can draw attention to particular events when really acts of violence like what just happened are happening continuously around the world and in our country I imagine on a daily basis…they just aren’t often reported on.
I feel challenged by this often implied expectation/supposition that as a healer – leader – facilitator of transformation with a platform I SHOULD share my opinion and tell people what to do or share my belief or my response..what if my response is to go deeper into my own work, my own healing, my own contributions to the collective which are all based on awakening consciousness and remembering wholeness.
When you awaken to who you truly are you can’t help but see your fellow humans as family. We can’t operate in boxes. We can’t operate in injustice because it hurts us too much to hurt others or to even hurt ourselves any longer.
Maybe my place is not to give my opinion about everything happening but to focus more intentionally on whats right here and now in front of me..a book designed to transmit a code to those who are ready to receive it: an awakening to their true selves, to higher consciousness, to love.
Maybe my place is not to even make meaning about whats happening because the meaning I catch on to keeps shifting and it is not my place to attach or convince other people of what to attach to to make sense of the incomprehensible.
Is everything I’ve just shared only possible because of my white privilege? Is my attachment to self-analysis and personal development and spiritual healing also easily disregarded as that..a privileged point of view and a rationale for not engaging in more protest, direct response action or activism in all the forms it may take?
I could see how someone could see that and say that.
I’m not sure if its true for me. I don’t want to see myself as a white woman and all the identities that that implies..and all the ways you can judge me simply based on those labels..just as I don’t want to label others based on boxes, based on stories, based on conditioned identities.
But in saying this am I even negating the truth of who I am and the identities I’ve lived that have brought me to this moment? Am I disregarding the fact that I am not just a white woman, I am a quarter Mexican descendant of migrant workers and poor factory workers who carry within them too (and therefore also within my own DNA) the imprint of slavery? How many people have I ever told this to? Do most people who know me even know that I have this history in my cells?
Does it matter? Would they trust me more if I led with that? Or is that just another identity seeking to be placed in a box, seeking understanding and cleanly-organized labels we can understand, control and discern how to best engage with always with our own survival and safety in mind ahead of everything else?
I don’t know but I am questioning it all again.
In this moment my activism is expressed through self-healing and practicing the revolutionary act and embodiment of presence. In presence all is revealed. In presence there is only truth.
In presence there is only love. In presence is only our true nature.
And to what extent is that a cop-out, avoiding taking responsibility for the very real darkness and violence and systematic oppression I really have never wanted to and now seemingly cannot live amidst any longer. So what am I doing to shift the actual material wrongs, institutions, infrastructures, problems at hand?
Can it all simply be resolved by doing the inner work?
Will eventually if enough of us are meditating and healing and doing shadow work and being lights really have the impact that is needed on Earth at this time?
OR is there even a rush, is there urgency, is there really a call to arms in this moment? Or is there really a simpler quieter truth that is hinting at another path..what will be our revolution?
I am here, challenged again to trust the divine plan unfolding. I don’t know where its going, its just guiding me more into the here and now. Which is the only place I have true power.
There is a higher game at play. Can we each trust we have a uniquely important and powerful role to play in the awakening whole?
Are we taking responsibility for our own shadow and healing the parts of us that are the abuser, the slave master, the prison guard, the greedy capitalist, the prostitute, the abandoned orphan, the molested child, the rapist, and all the other shadow aspects that usually materialize in our physical reality and collective psyche if they remain repressed?
Are we learning how to consciously relate to the brothers and sisters that trigger these repressed aspects of self within us so that we can finally re-member and come home to ourselves and each other?
Are we open to sharing and learning and being with the intensity as it surely arises? Forgiving ourselves, letting the layers peel, letting more of our true beings come forth…asking for help, receiving support, humbling ourselves, allowing something new to arise. Presence.
Am I walking the talk? Am I doing what I just said? Am I trying to wrap up a seemingly incomprehensible experience into a neat little bow, into a figure-outable box that somehow can be healed, fix and controlled..am I still seeking for instant gratification instead of facing head on whats really here to be unearthed?
I am open to learning and sharing. I am open to expanding into more love. I am open to always having my perception shifted and transformed and attuned to new dimensions of possibility.
For right now, I don’t really know what to do.
I have grief arising since allowing these invitations to come up and to meet them with memories and stories and conditioning and whatever is here to reflect…I wonder if I can share what I am feeling with others, I wonder if I can even give words to some of these complexities, I wonder if words are needed, I wonder if we will ever all be awakened to the truth of who we are, I wonder if humanity will really meet finally as ONE, I wonder if it’ll happen in my lifetime en masse..I wonder if that even matters or if thats just something I’ve allowed myself to be made to believe.
I don’t know. But I am here. I am available. I am capable.
How are you being with this moment? ❤