Didn’t know I had this many tears. Like a faucet running as more layers unearth. A lot of grief and sorrow, feels ancient, like not even all mine, coming up to be felt. Had wild dreams so vivid about my mom running around drunk thru the streets barely clothed and people were coming to me asking if she was okay and if I knew where she was going. I was just watching her from afar wondering what she was doing, how could she be doing that? Of course dreams are more vivid processing wise after energy work which I’ve been doing a lot of this week - maybe my whole maui experience living here 1.5 years has been overly focused on healing. I have invested so much on sessions and integration support as I’ve been committed to rebuilding my nervous system - a promise I made nearly 2 years ago at Odyssey where I committed out loud to build a body that could sustain the amount of energy I am meant to channel, in a grounded, sustainable way. I was so fried from that experience - it took about a year to recover..I felt it was the biggest failure of my life. Atlantis all over again. Here I went and built up this amazing vision and somehow enlisted all these people into it and let everyone down. Nothing came of it. Just huge debt to repay. And a fried nervous system to repair. Says the ego that felt so humiliated that she didn’t deliver on her extravagant inflated promises. The truth is I created that entire experience to see what I am truly capable of - and to take myself down off the pedestal I didn’t even know I was orienting on..keeping myself separate and apart from those I most want to be available for connection with. I’ve been deflating for years now - committing to being more real..whatever it takes. These layers arising now are profoundly painful sometimes. The old operating system says nothing you’ve done matters, you’re never enough, you’re alone, no one cares. Would it be so bad if you just left? That part is ready to die..and it feels like real physical death in moments. It’s hard reparenting yourself - like shooting in the dark. Trying on what seems to fit..never really sure if it’s right. Continued 👇🏽👇🏽👇🏽
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