You may think you recognize me as a successful entrepreneur by all appearances – traveling the world, teaching, speaking and leading retreats internationally, running a multiple six figure soul aligned business, empowering men and women everywhere to shine their full light on HIGH, now – because why wait?! What are you waiting for?
Oh and the girl who got a major publishing deal OFFERED to her via a Facebook message. Real talk, happened last May while I was I Bali. And now my book is arriving to my door any day now. It won’t feel completely real until I’m holding it in my hands.
Maybe you wonder what an alchemist is, or soul alignment or consciousness activation – words I use rather interchangeably to describe a completely indescribable process that occurs when I exchange energy with individuals in groups with the shared intention of ushering in radical transformation, healing and liberation.
Maybe you see me in love with the soul partner beyond my wildest dreams who I have no question whatsoever is the soul I desire spending the rest of my life with and stewarding in magic star seed babies who will be our most enlightened teachers of all.
Maybe you see me doing live streams all the time wondering how I can share so authentically and vulnerably without any apparent fear or filtering, as many have reflected back to me they resonate with so deeply.
Maybe you think I’m just another coach talking about magic and miracles and flow and whatever else hot topic theme happens to be trending, making masterclasses and programs maybe with the desire underlying to simply get rich quick. Perhaps you think this is all a big hustle.
What you may not know is that 7 years ago I was bottoming our from a series of blackouts and near overdoses from mixing too many drinks and drugs, getting removed from nightclubs in a stretcher to go to the emergency room and getting arrested here and there for being drunk in public (3 times, once in a bowling alley).
Or that when I first moved to NYC in 2010 I was so overcome with paralyzing financial fear and scarcity and unworthiness that I opted to take two “jobs” as a stripper and an escort while working a day job too. This of course lasted a few months until I was fired from the strip club for getting caught doing drugs with a customer. I was the worst stripper anyway, I would always get too drunk and forget I was supposed to be hustling and making money which I was always inevitably losing.
I had two wake up calls. The first was sitting in therapy thinking I’d go in to have someone support me in finding my true purpose – then I’d be happy, once I knew what I was really here for and when I could find the job to properly express that through. I had no intention at the time of being an entrepreneur, I was peering out through a limited lens of possibility at the time offered by the corporate world of advertising, tech, finance and marketing.
In college I studied social movements and human rights, double majoring in Political Science and Latin American Studies. I was particularly drawn to post-colonial studies and world systems philosophies in which I saw potential avenues of post-capitalistic realities. So naturally I intended to become a civil rights attorney or nonprofit lawyer who could serve this new world vision through the systems that be.
I was lost and calling my parents on the phone having panic attacks while walking to the subway on the streets of New York City feeling like the loneliest person on the planet, completely paranoid that cops were following me (which happens sometimes when you do too much coke). My parents had recommended AA at the time but I heard therapy instead so I went. I was desperate.
A few sessions in I dropped the act of pretending to look good – this shadow of looking good ran so deep in me I was even attempting to fool my therapist who I at some level was seeking genuine support from, but I couldn’t be fully present to even receive that. During one session I experienced a moment of grace in which something came over me and she asked me a question which catalyzed me finally telling the whole truth of what I had been going, all the ways I had been hiding.
At first she thought I may be bi-polar or schizophrenic, definitely depressed. Once I told her how much I was drinking and the drugs I was doing and the dangerous behaviors I was engaging in- the whole truth came out in a way I had never told it before, to anyone let alone myself. Hearing myself say those words and then seeing the look on her face which was one of total shock that I was somehow alive hit me. I finally saw myself in the mirror and I saw that I was dying. Not only that, I was killing myself slowly.
That still wasn’t the end. The last night I drank was Halloween 2011 (my sobriety date is 11/1/11 if you can imagine because I got high to qualm the resulting hangover, which had gotten to be so debilitating over time, I was a full blown alcoholic probably since the age of 17 when I first tried out AA in San Francisco and decided it wasn’t for me because I still had more fun to have); the morning after I woke up in a bed I didn’t recognize (a phenomenon which had happened innumerable times before), next to someone I had met at a bar last week (again, familiar phenomenon), with all my stuff strewn about.
I was only woken up by the alarm on my phone signaling a reminder to get ready for a brunch date I had with my family friend and her niece who wanted to talk to me about college, as though I was a role model and someone she truly desired learning from. Something about this contrast hit me at the soul level. Who was this person laying her in this bed like THIS who at the same time in some other dimension is being looked upon as a role model, a leader, an example (and I was by all means a leader, having worked in nonprofits and done tons of community organizing in addition to volunteering and being heavily invoked with high school and college social innovation and diversity focused initiatives)..but the jig was up so they say. I was done leading a double life.
It was exhausting keeping track of all the identities I had made up. I was losing count and starting to believe so many of the lies I had told as though they were true. I didn’t know what to do but I knew I had to stop. I didn’t know another way to be since I had been playing this game since I started drinking to feel comfortable in my own skin at the age of 14. That’s ten solid years of heavy substance abuse, peppered with intense codependency and abuse in relationships, violence, danger.
I truly am so supported and BLESSED to be alive, STD free, with a healthy fully functional mind-body-soul. I am a miracle. I say all this to say that you are TOO. The ways in which we check out, escape reality, give up on ourselves, cause harm and pain are innumerable of course but fundamentally universally rooted in a shared unconsciousness running rampant throughout our collective which would have you believe you’re not enough and neither am I; I need something else to be complete; I am alone; no one understands me; I need you to love me so I can feel safe and like maybe just maybe I deserve to love me too; I can’t trust life or the universe to support me; I’m here to work hard and I have to make things happen and figure it all out.
The universal delusion that we are somehow different and that any difference is to feared is on its way out my loves. There is no such thing as competition when you are wholly completely loving you in all the ways you’ve ever needed and expressing your truth, your authentic voice, your gifts in all the divine ways that FEEL best for YOU.
When we all bring our SOULS to the show we see there’s no point in trying to play someone else’s game let alone attempt to beat them at it. In our uniqueness we connect together at once with the infinite source from which we all derive. And only when I can fully meet myself in the depths of my shadow and the height of my light – loving it ALL, every single lesson, every single wound, every single trigger which has always been the greatest teacher – can I meet you soul to soul in the moment we’ve all been together here waiting for.
So much of social media breeds a promise of connection but it’s premised on such old paradigm separation and hierarchy (putting people on pedestals, idealizing gurus), disempowerment (triggering us to feel like we lack what we need to feel okay, to feel enough, to feel truly loving and loved) and inauthenticity. It didn’t happen unless it’s in social media..what does that even mean?
It means we care about being SEEN and HEARD and truly felt at the deepest level in our most authentic expression. But this can’t and will not happen until we are each individually willing to SEE AND HEAR and RADICALLY LOVE ourselves.
As always my loves, it’s always been an inside job.
The answer is never outside of YOU. Are you listening?