7 years ago.
Living a double life.
Working in “finance” by day.
Which really means I worked in a financial planning office in the outskirts of Brooklyn as a client service manager.
That job allowed me the opportunity to be somewhat passed out on the train and bus I took from Bushwick to get there and often times show up incredibly hungover or still high from last nights party.
You see I had another “job” at that same time.
Weds and Thursday nights after working all day from 8am to 5pm in the office I would skirt over to union square to put on my costume and parade around in darkness, loud music and infinite alcohol flow to see who would be the eager men ready to accept what I had to offer.
At the time it was $20 for a song.
You were lucky if you could get someone entranced enough to stick around for 3 or 4.
That’s $250 an hour sometimes if you’re lucky.
But I was such a bad stripper.
I always lost my money.
I’d be too drunk to keep track.
And I would lose my character.
Instead wanting to actually connect with these men.
Oftentimes they simply wanted someone to talk to.
They felt lonely in their relationship.
They felt lost and confused.
despite the powerful positions they held in the world.
This club had a few thousand dollars membership fee, which informed a certain allure.
I sensed their brokenness.
Being held to an expectation of how they thought they had to be.
All the pressure they had to live up to.
And underneath it all waning to taste freedom.
Not knowing what that could possibly feel like.
Starting by following their good feelings.
Listening to their body.
Taking queues from their divine vessel guiding them to play.
I didn’t know how to express what wanted to come out of me.
A deep desire to be wild.
To be worshipped.
To be paid just for being me.
To be a healer.
To acknowledge the underworlds place in our somewhat conscious “real” world.
Perhaps sensing underneath it all in my own unconsciousness the illusion of it all.
I found it confusing to be in a body.
When I felt so expansive.
Even though I had no words at the time.
I loved to get as high as I could get.
And as low as humanly possible on the other end.
How much could I really handle?
Being the infinite soul that I am.
Here I was to test the grandest experiment of all time.
Embodying the full spectrum of experience available.
The dark and light and every shade in between.
Old souls are like that.
I came to learn the hardest lessons fast this time.
There wasn’t anymore time to waste.
When you have such a divine mission upon you.
And the call has felt so urgent all along.
Even all the years I pretended not to hear.
We can be so afraid of our own light.
Like it’s the most blinding force imagineable.
When in actuality it’s the Healing and freedom that feel the most terrifying.
What if I’m so free and so innocent I realize the truth?
That expansion is the only constant.
And freedom is my birthright.
And I’m designed to love, express that love in material form and share through my desires and inspiration.
That this is the definition of FUN play and joy.
And this is the whole point.
What about that is so terrifying?
Because deep down I’ve felt worried and alone and scared that you won’t understand the truth I feel.
And if you don’t understand it or agree with it maybe it’s not true.